the brink

i've been gone for so long.  believe me, it feels much longer than it was.  4/8 of our crew have been down with the flu, (or some freakish variation of it that i wouldn't wish on anyone).  we feel as though we're clawing our way back from the brink, and hoping that the count stays at 50% (amazing math skills, i know).  i hope to be back to posting really soon, but i know that sleep is important for survival my health and i will do the right thing and get to bed shortly.  one thing is true about this bunch of us.  we're consistent.  rarely do we ever get through January unscathed by some virus or gastro-thing taking some of us as victims.  Christmas~ no problem.  January~ beware.  so, this too shall pass.  more normal, non-germ related blogging soon....

photos by Hannah

seriously, no posing happened here.  this is how Hannah found these two brothers....on my gorgeous couch!  that i now love! 

a bit of chocolate and vanilla....how scrumptious is that??

I know in just a short while they'll be duking it out over something or other, because brothers do that (hi my dear brothers Joseph and Timothy :)) but for now, the love is flowing and the arms are squeezing and it's so sweet.

thanks sweet Hannah.  you did great!  keep the pictures coming, k?

side note~ don't even think about asking me for the couch.  it is not for sale...



prequel: part two

aaaahhh....where was i??? :)  the phone call.  yes, that was it.  Jeff had just concluded a somewhat bizarre phone conversation with someone and sat stunned, kind of reeling in a way.  i was sitting on the bed, and he looked at me and said "that was so and so, and they want to pay for us to do another adoption".  these people were friends that were aware (i remember them asking once, "is your family complete?") of our openness to adopting again (if ever in a financially suitable situation) from a discussion months prior, i believe, but never had they heard us lament our financial hurdles.  it certainly wasn't a frequent discussion topic, between ourselves or with friends.  adding to the craziness of the moment was that the amount they had offered us also happened to be the exact amount we'd always guessed we'd need to do another adoption from start to finish. 
back to the conversation on the bed....."excuse me???  are you freakin' crazy!?!  is this a mean prank you're playing on me, dear husband of mine??"  no, it wasn't.  his face said it all.  he was 100% serious and knew better than to joke about a subject like that anyway.  we were floored.  like "jaws-on-the-floor" baffled.  overwhelmed.  touched.  dazed.  the immediate gut reaction was to say "no, we definitely will not do that.  we will not take your money".  after all, this was a donation from someone that certainly had endless possible uses for the money they were offering.  while i'd read of many adoption miracles and ways that God had provided for families that stepped out in faith, this was not at all how i'd ever expected it to look.  this donation came from people that said "look, we don't even feel it is our money to keep.  we feel this is an act of our obedience to Christ and feel complete peace that this is intended for you.  not for just any charity of our choice, but specifically for you to adopt again.  that's it.  we're both in agreement, and we want you to take this."  wow........humbling, emotional, mind-blowing.  our minds were spinning.  we talked there on the bed.  i may have cried.  ok, i probably did.  i know i for sure did later that evening when the realization hit me like a tonne of bricks.  the realization that the God of the universe, the one who called the planets into position and crafted the lands and seas, that very same God had reached down into my small little world and communicated with me.  clearer than i'd ever experienced.  a most direct answer to my months of questioning him, and even a direct answer to my very words uttered that evening on my jogging route...."Lord, i just want to know your will, and not simply my own....please give me clarity to know the difference...".  well, it didn't get much clearer than that.  we took the weekend to privately process what we'd been proposed.  we talked some more with the donors (ok, that sounds too cold and clinical), how about "the givers"~ and asked more questions to be certain of their discernment as they came to their generous decision.  in the days that followed we rather quickly determined that it would be next to impossible to say "no thanks" at that point.  how do you ask God to show you his plan for your family, and then turn your back on it?  how do you walk away from that?  so, while the thought of six kids seemed insane a touch large by normal societal standards~ what could we say?  when questions like "how am i ever going to feed this brood?  educate them?  tolerate them while still maintaining a shred of sanity?" came up~ (yeppers, all those questions were there) well, they did not trip me up.  how could they?  the path before us had been made crystal clear.  we just needed to take the first step and trust.  i think it was only a few days later that we contacted the givers and told them we were "in".  we were so over-the-top grateful.  we were so very aware of the miracle that they'd played such a willing role in executing.  they did not want our gratitude.  they were simply eager to see things get started and watch the process from a place of anonymity. 
well, two and a half years later i had another one of those "wow" moments when i looked at sweet AJ eating dinner beside me.  finally here.  our table is full, and there he sits, handling a spoon all by himself.  he is here because of someone else and their sacrificial gift to us.  to him.  he would not be here had the givers not responded to God's leading and prompting in their lives.  i can't even wrap my head around that.  what if AJ wasn't here?  seriously....i love this child as my own flesh and blood.  i love the givers for being willing to hold so loosely and give so freely of their material possessions.  how easy would it have been for them to dismiss the nudging of their heavenly father as "over-the-top" or unrealistic....i've learned from their generosity.  i am thrilled to have witnessed first hand God moving and using his children to accomplish his will, in his time.  it will be amazing to tell AJ this story when he is old enough to understand.  (that and the snow storm that did not stop us from getting to Africa... )  i hope more than anything this short novel journey from the beginning encourages your heart and especially renews the faith of those that are "waiting"....
ok, i'm done. :)

prequel

some friends recently suggested we go back to the beginning when logging this journey to our new son.  that somewhere in print should exist the very miracle that brought us this far.  i considered that carefully and realized that some may not know of, or remember the amazing months that led up to our decision to adopt, aka the sequel...so, settle in if you care and take in the wonder of the story.  back to regularly scheduled programming soon.  First, in the interest of FULL DISCLOSURE~ up front i need to state that this prequel is loaded with evidence of God's miraculous grace and love in our lives.  he is present and real and unmistakably the main character in the story.  to leave that out would leave no real story to tell...reading further is purely optional...
our two year journey to Hudson stretched and amazed us and the steps to that special child were no less miraculous.  One of the aspects that blew us away was the incredible way Hudson just "fit" our family.  we were literally in awe.  this sweet Haitian child who overcame amazing odds arrived here in September 2006 and took off, thriving and growing and never stopping since.  the energy is....well, exhausting.  just keeping this real.  yet, even before he arrived home, as i got deeper into the world of adoption and became more and more aware of the massive needs in Haiti and worldwide, i began to wonder what God would have in store for our family after Hudson's adoption was complete.  i knew our trip to Haiti would change us and expand our world and take us places that were uncomfortable.  it did. 
after the initial months of transition and doctor's appointments and getting settled as a family of seven, i began to sense even more that something beyond "bringing Hudson home" was in store for our crew.  i started to pray more specifically about that.  we were open to what God's will would be, whether that was relocating, being the voice for orphans somehow and someway through a volunteer position, adopting again....we didn't know.  when the topic of another adoption would surface from time to time, Jeff and i were always on the same page with the idea that it would sure be special for Hudson to have a brother who shared his beautiful black skin and also the adoption connection.  someone who could relate to him one day in a unique way that his other siblings could not.  so he wouldn't feel like the odd one out, or an add-on.  because he most definitely was not.  during these discussions we'd inevitably get around to finances~ and quite simply, the necessary funds required to facilitate an adoption just weren't there.  in fact we were still paying off a portion of Hudson's adoption.  my dear, non-impulsive husband would remind me of this when my emotional desires were verbalized.  he was right.  100%.  he often is. (there, i said it)  i knew we were to be wise with our resources, and while i had no problem gradually paying off the small loan we'd incurred while processing the steps of Hudson's adoption, i agreed that it wouldn't be prudent to embark on another adoption in such a state.  this didn't change my sense that God still had something up his sovereign sleeve, and my passion for orphan care and all things related continued to stir my heart and cause me to wonder more~ what's next? 
in the fall of 2007 and spring of 2008, i committed this "unrest, or restlessness" more seriously to prayer, particularly while i'd run the streets of our old neighbourhood.  some days i'd pray out loud, just asking and seeking, desiring to know God's heart as it related to our own small place in this world. i often sensed as though i was being called to "just wait".  that's it. during those years a few pivotal things happened that brought some more clarity in my own personal life.  i attended a spiritual gifts seminar.  this brought into clearer focus the realization that my passion for orphans was given by God and likely a fit with my individual giftedness.  not to be wasted, and not to be ignored.  also, our family attended our first Haitian Adoption gathering in Michigan with lots of great families who were larger than us in numbers, and happy and thriving.  we were not alone.  many of the families there testified to the joys and trials of being a transracial family.  as expected, my wheels were turning again.  actually, even our kids were asking that weekend "could we adopt again??" and "why can't we adopt again?"  we enlightened them on the expenses required to complete all the steps of an international adoption.  we compared it to a brand spankin' new minivan with a dvd player (which they'd been wanting).  the decision was unanimous.  they all preferred the idea of a new brother/sister instead.  surprised us a bit.  that same month we had the Watoto choir come for the first time to our church and the stories from Uganda as well as the beautiful children that stayed overnight with us, well~ i was a blubbering mess that weekend.  just ask Jeff.  soooooo moving.  all of this happened in the first five months of 2008.  i continued to run and pray and seek wisdom to know the difference between my crazy notions and God's plan.  i wanted to know his will and move in that direction only. 
on May 31st, 2008, a Saturday morning, the discussion came up again with our children at the breakfast table.  Jeff even said something about it being too bad we didn't know for sure the direction we'd be taking, because with Hudson being three it would be nice to know and get started seeing as the process was long and we'd love to have the kids close in age.  i remember feeling a tinge of excitement at his comment.  he definitely was open to it.  that evening, yes, that very evening i was running down Cathcart just before dark.  beautiful night.  birds chirping....(kidding....i have no recollection of that part...).  i said out loud (softly though, cuz i'm not totally weird) "God, i can't tell if this crazy notion i have is just my love for orphans, or if it is your will for our future.  you know what's best for our family.  i just want your will for our family, not my own, and i can't tell the difference..."  i ran home feeling peaceful and refreshed, and dreading the painting that awaited me in my kitchen.  i walked in the house and heard jeff on the phone upstairs.  i prepped my cabinets for paint, and after a few minutes decided to see what he was up to.  he was still on the phone.  the conversation sounded interesting.  he finally hung up, somewhat frazzled and stunned.  with due reason.  this is where the story gets really interesting...but of course, i need to let the suspense simmer for a bit before i write the conclusion.  besides, this is crazy long anyway and i'm probably down to just one reader by now.  hi mom!

smitten

how could we not be.....

completely smitten??  tell me how...

gotta love kids and their prayers

Hudson yesterday evening at bedtime, with an arm around AJ:

"thank-you Lord that i could have a fun day with my brother.  thank-you that i'm funny and he laughs at me.  thank-you that my mommy could have fun making supper.  amen."

alrighty then....

haiti

i'm back.  with a short post, and not at all what i'd been planning to write earlier today.  that can wait.  i just finished watching a one hour show on Haiti post-quake, and honestly~ it messes me up when i consider all that country continues to endure.  please, please remember Haiti today.  one year after the catastrophic earthquake levelled the nation much of Haiti remains stuck in a cycle of helplessness, with little sign of tangible help to the hundreds of thousands so desperate for it.  so much pain, so much grief~ yet Haitians are unfathomably resilient and still find reasons to sing and dance.  i think of my Haitian son, and it moves me again in a way i can't quite describe.  deja vu from last year.  i remember feeling so tied, so stuck in time as i watched the images play out on my TV screen.  so helpless, so grateful, so sad.  all at the same time.  it's bizarre, i know.  but the feelings are back, and tonight i'm praying anew for Haiti.  for God's Littlest Angels, the orphanage that continues to save the lives of Haiti's most fragile children, for missionaries we know of that continue to plug away in a land where so little progress is ever seen, for the entire country that beauty would rise from the rubble....one day...

AJ news

two weeks and two days since AJ arrived home.  i'm so thankful to be marking these milestones on this little teeny corner of cyber world.  seriously, i never want to forget these moments, and i know i totally will, because i apparently have no memory left.  it's like with every kid we add to this family they suck a portion of my memory space, and it's at an all time low....i'm like an outdated computer that needs serious upgrading...my brain is full of things to remember~ spelling tests, dentists appts., speech dates, doctor's appts., pharmacy pick-ups, volunteer times, birthday presents to buy, social schedule of teenager and pre-teen to work around (just wait, i know...), little boots to find or replace, friends I want to meet, social worker visit for post-placement report, dress-up days, etc.....blah, blah, blah.....you get the idea....but i digress, really badly.........so sorry.
memory or not, i wouldn't trade this for anything...seeing my crew of six together, bonding and getting to know the little man, and he them~ well there are moments when it feels so heavenly.  before you think this is all "rose-coloured-glasses" type of blog nonsense, i'm totally real and saying there are also moments where the same lovey-doveiness (my new word) is lacking with the siblings that already know eachother...ahem.......all to be expected, and the same as when Hudson (who suddenly looks extra tall) came home.  there have been intimate and warm moments i've witnessed with all five one-on-one with their new brother, and all i can say is he is blessed to have them in his life.  i'm proud of each one of them for their individual creativity in reaching out to AJ.  at different levels and in very unique ways they've all invested in him, not showing any jealousy or holding back part of themselves.  they are good kids...learning and growing through this experience as are we, the parents.
AJ continues to be a little sponge.  today was our first day alone with no other kids home, just AJ and me...we had fun.  he follows me like a puppy, but is still ok if i leave the room or his line of sight.  he just generally likes to be near.  showing me every new car and saying "MAH-kee-nah" (just as it sounds) for "car" a hundred times a day.  it was and is adorable.  i think i know why mah-kee-nah is so common and exciting to him.  because literally, a car arriving and honking at the gate of the orphanage was probably the biggest excitement of his day for months.  the children didn't typically leave the confines of the orphanage, but when a car pulled in that might mean some new form of excitement.  either a new child arriving, strange white people visiting, an adult staff member coming that they were familiar with, or sometimes gifts and change in routine when a mah-kee-nah came to visit.  so, the fascination with all things mah-kee-nah continues, and we're all getting a kick out of it.  every white car or van on the road is loudly and excitedly declared as "Joe's mah-kee-nah!!!!!" because he is so used to staring at Uncle Joe's white work van out of our sunroom window.  he has also started saying the English word "car" as well, but it just doesn't have the same cute high-pitched ring to it in English.  other English words in his vocabulary now include all our names, grandma, grandpa (or sometimes just grandpa for both), doggie, cat, please, more, thank-you (which he says regularly, and we melt), all done, milk, bed, okay, bubbles, hot, cold, don't touch it, no (with finger waving, not in an angry way but more a warning of danger kind of way), counting part way to ten, bye, see-ya, hi, hello, yucky, money, and the list grows daily...i'll try to get a video of some of his words soon, but it seems whenever i try he responds in a barely audible whisper.  maybe not a big-screen kind of guy...such a shame with eyes like his...his kisses are delightful as he continues to insist on kissing both cheeks (must be both, and he takes his little hands and turns your head from side-to-side) rather than lips.  sticking with the Ethiopian tradition there, and it is such a warm gesture of greeting and affection that i don't blame him...he loves long bubble baths, stories, Mighty Machines, tickles, and balls.
life is busy. yet still my heart is bursting.  i randomly find tears right near the surface when i consider all we're experiencing.  our blessings are ridiculous.  we're trying to savour it consciously.  life naturally has storms, they will come.  i hope i always see the sunlight even through the rain.

watch out ladies

oh dear....help me...AJ better not be practicing this eye trick for the ladies!  it was too cute not to catch on video.  he is proving to be quite the ham and loves to giggle about his own antics...not sure how funny it will be when he's sixteen.

email sent....Jonas

filled with anticipation...finally sent an email this evening to the director of Kingdom Vision International in Ethiopia.  please pray the email and sponsorship request for dear Jonas falls in the right place and that this boy would be able to benefit from monthly support to receive necessary medical care and all his basic needs met.  that we would be able to communicate our love and care to him through this option.  KVI does have child sponsorship options (yay Beth!) as one of their ministries, but i'm pretty certain it typically wouldn't happen by specific request.  will keep you posted.  God is in full control, and aches for this child with a Creator's love.  that brings comfort. 
on another somewhat heavy note, i saw a blog two days ago and have been contemplating whether or not to share it.  it is disturbing, but again, a cause for prayer.  so many dear ones living every day out in a horrible existence.  my hesitation was more due to the fact that i never want this blog of our journey to convey the message that we think everyone should adopt.  because we don't.  at all.  we are all different and called to different purposes.  i really believe that.  we do think everyone can care for orphans, however, in one way or another.  and we know so many of you already do.  that is why this link might cause some discomfort, but the reality was shocking also to me and something i know i need to always remember.  it made me so thankful for the orphanages we visited in Ethiopia.  while still institutions that never make up for a secure and loving family, they were in no way like the one described in the link...
anyway, sorry to be a bit of a "heavy" on the first day of a new year.  but reality is reality i guess...
happy new year from our family to yours.  wishing you joy and peace and purpose as you enter 2011!